It appears that I am pregnant! After four tests I feel confident enough, although still slightly wibbly if I'm honest, to write it down.
I think the first clue that I might be came on Wednesday when I had to take T for an x-ray. The radiographer said 'is there a chance you might be pregnant' to which, before even thinking about it, I said yes. Of course there was a chance, we chucked out the contraceptives a while ago, although because I have PCOS things aren't necessarily as predictable as they might be. I had no idea where I was in my cycle last week, but the affirmative was out of my mouth before I'd even really registered the question, so out I trotted whilst a man with a curly mullet held T down so they could take a photo of his chest.
Once home, I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. I have peed on lots (and lots!) of sticks, and know the heartache of willing a second line to come up in a resolutely empty window. On Friday night though it all got too much for me. My husband was out and I dug out some cheap dippy tests I'd bought online a while ago (20 for a fiver, that cheap!) and a disposable cup. The disposable cup took some time, eventually I found a Halloween one secreted at the back of the sideboard. I didn't dare pee in a regular cup or glass. How could I ever drink out of it again, now matter how many times it had been washed in antibacterial liquid!
I dipped. The control line came up. I waited. The packet said something like 'positive results can come up straight away, but it can take up to five minutes to confirm a negative'. I waited. I squinted. Nothing. I waited. I squinted. What was that? There was definitely something there, just below the control line. I looked at the packet for a picture of a positive test. Hmmm, the line was very faint. Was I imagining it? I took it downstairs, and held it up under a different light. Nope, still no darker. I tried to take a photo of it, it didn't show up. I looked online for pictures of 'faint positives' and held it up to the screen, but was still none the wiser.
I dipped again on Saturday morning (still very faint) and yesterday (slightly darker, but still barely there). I read up on evaporation or 'ghost' lines and looked at lots (and lots!) more pictures online. This morning I caved and went to Tesco. Eschewing the £13 digital version with 'conception indicator' (I still have loads of the internet cheapy ones left!) I bought a double pack of own-brand tests and peed. Again. There are two thick pink lines. It's definitely positive.
I do believe that, when asked the question in the x-ray room last week, my body 'knew' I was pregnant. I answered the radiographer from deep in my subconscious, before my brain had even got into gear. The word 'yes' surprised me as it burst from my mouth, but do you know what? It was true!
I have so many dreams for this baby, for now a small cluster of cells. My second child, a brother or sister for T, and the fourth member who will complete our family.
When I was pregnant last time, nine months seemed like an eternity. Now it's almost incomprehensible to think that by next Christmas, if all goes well I'll be a Mummy to two. And guess what, the sleepless nights will begin again. I'm not lying when I say I absolutely cannot wait.
P.S. If you know me in real life, please don't say anything yet. I don't want to tell the world until after the 12w scan if possible. There is still enough anonymity in this blog to let me write it down here.